Previously on Nip/Tuck:
Mrs. Caldarello, we've had tremendous success in lip reconstruction...
...using the patient's labial folds.
What about when my husband kisses me?
If he finds out, he'll never kiss me again.
CHRISTIAN: What about the secret joy of knowing...
...that it's the first time those lips will have ever been kissed?
Do it. Put my pussy on my lips.
If I may ask, Theodora-
Call me Teddy.
- Why do I feel like you're interviewing me? - I am.
Anything else you find interesting?
The tumor has spread to the supraclavicular lymph nodes.
- Give me a ballpark. - Six months.
I want you to marry me.
How does it look? Any moths?
Give me a minute just to try it on, okay?
Everything all right, Busy? It's been in storage since the day...
- ... your father and I got married. - No, it's fine.
MARIELLA: But- - I just need a little privacy, please.
CHRISTIAN: Okay.
Sure.
Busy? That's what you call her, huh?
Since she was 2 years old, she was always getting into things.
Rearranging her room, sorting out the silverware.
A very industrious little girl.
I encouraged her. I told her, "You put your mind to it, work hard...
...you ' re gonna get whatever you want in life. "
CHRISTIAN: Heh. - Because let's face it...
...she was not gonna get anywhere on her looks.
Can I get you a drink, Mariella? Soda, water or...?
Please. And call me Mom.
Oh.
Patrón, doble.
Because we are celebrating, aren ' t we?
My daughter is getting married, and to a man, of all things.
Yeah, well, nobody's perfect.
Pretty close.
So why are you marrying my daughter?
Um, the sex.
The last time I visited, she was a flannel-shirt-wearing lesbiana...
...who was having trouble getting a date.
What is the real story here?
The real story is I should be toasting you...
...for giving me such a beautiful woman.
T o family.
So you ' re gay?
This is an arrangement between you types?
You get insurance now or something, huh?
LIZ: Christian, can you come in here, please?
- Yeah? - Can you please-?
Could you help zip this for me?
Sure.
You're gonna have to let this out a little.
Oh, no, I can't. This is an antique. It's an as-is kind of thing.
Well, this is not gonna work.
So, uh, why don't we just buy you another dress...
...and we can start our own tradition?
Oh, oh.
No, you don ' t understand.
Ever since I could remember...
...my mom has wanted me to wear this dress in my wedding.
And then I came out to her, neither of us thought this would ever happen.
A traditional wedding? In a church? In my mom's dress?
This means everything to me now.
- You sure that's what this is about? MARIELLA: Busy.
You know very well it is bad luck for the groom...
...to see you dressed like that before the wedding.
Ma, the dress doesn't fit.
MARIELLA: It's those tatas of yours.
You've always been top-heavy.
Ladies, I think we're going gown shopping.
No.
If I can ' t touch the dress, then I'm gonna shrink my chest.
I wanted it before, now I have to.
Book me for a breast reduction.
Well, this is quite a surprise.
Certainly is. Heh.
Tell us what you don't like about yourself now, Mrs. Caldarello.
Her tits, her ass, that turkey wattle under her chin.
And maybe you could lighten the luggage under her eyes?
I guess the only thing you don't have to do are my lips.
Oh, not those beauties.
You did such a bang-up job on them, doctors...
...that's why we flew all the way out here.
Well, that's very flattering, Mrs. Caldarello.
You never struck me as the makeover type.
We could barely talk you into repairing the damage from your oven.
Nice work, if I say so myself. Could never tell the skin came from your-
Breasts?
No, never.
Ordinarily, it'd be fine for Allegra here to let gravity take its course...
...but she's gotta go back on the market.
I ' ve got prostate cancer. The doctors aren ' t optimistic.
Oh, boy.
I always figured, by the time I kicked, she'd be set, financially speaking.
I'll be fine, Manny.
- I can get a job. - With what skills, honey?
With a little luck, and a lot of surgery, she'll find another guy.
Someone who can care for her in the manner...
...to which she should have become accustomed.
Oh, those lips.
I ' m gonna miss them like nobody's business.
Ooh.
Ah, damn. Where's the head?
All I do is piss these days because of the " big C."
By the way, I saw you on that TV show you did.
I was quite upset about that character you based on me.
The one you called...
- I can ' t even say it. - Pussy Lips.
That's the one.
And the part about her father abusing her?
Mrs. Caldarello-
How did you know?
I am so sorry about your husband. I know how devoted you are to each other.
I can't imagine life without him.
Hey, Sadie.
- Sadie? - Sadie, Sadie, married lady.
Just trying to keep things light since you look at me like I stole your job...
...when you look at me at all.
Let's have a little girl talk, shall we?
The thing is...
...is that I wanna spend as much time with Christian and Wilber as I can.
But if I stay at home 24/7, they are gonna make me crazy.
So I think we should split the job.
That's genius.
I'm totally okay with that.
Oh, well, now we can be friends.
- Ha-ha-ha. - It's so much easier.
- Okay, I just have to ask- - Okay, I know, I know.
No, I am- I, uh- Let's see.
I don ' t take antidepressants...
...I have no history of diabetes, no allergies to any drugs, no hypertension.
I'm all ready for my surgery, Mr. DeMille.
That was helpful. Thank you.
Um, but what I really wanna know is how it works.
Being one way and then suddenly switching the horses midstream.
That weird?
You just lose interest in girls? I'm just curious.
Bi-curious?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be too, uh, personal.
It's just that I have trouble keeping my own wilder side in check.
Having secrets is difficult.
Painful, don't you think?
- How's our girl? - Her milk bottles are down a quart...
...but, uh, aside from that, she's doing fine.
I ' d say they' re only down a pint.
Didn ' t she ask for a high C?
She said she wanted to fit into her mother's goddamn ugly dress. A D will do.
Didn't this start because she had back pain?
I mean, now we're killing two big-titted birds with one stone.
Hey, where you going?
Come on, hang around. This is history right here.
This is my last surgery.
No more lipo and chunky divorcées...
...or rhinoplasties on self-hating Jewesses.
I am free, baby.
I ' m taking Lizzy and the kid to Italy.
We're gonna eat like pigs. I mean, who cares if I get fat, right?
Why are you looking at me like that?
I've had to accept this and you will too, all right?
Which is why I'm gonna start interviewing replacements.
Who says I wanna hire someone new?
You think you can keep this train running on your own?
This OR is in use 70 hours a week.
I own half of that, which means that when I'm dead...
...that money goes to Lizzy and the kid.
I don ' t want them to miss out because you ' re so depressed you can ' t get real.
They'll be taken care of. You know that.
Even if I have to pay them out of my own pocket.
Just it's a little morbid to start interviewing people when you're still healthy.
But look, Sean, I'm doing the best I can to keep it together about all of this.
It's not easy knowing that your whole life is gonna go on without you.
Ahem, I just wanna know...
...that the guy standing opposite you in the scrub room every day...
...is there because I want him to be.
I can ' t replace you, Christian.
Everybody's replaceable, Sean.
Even me.
Can you, uh-? Can you call me when she's coming out?
Sure.
You ' re gonna have to let him go, Sean.
That man is dying, and not in a metaphysical " we' re all dying " kind of way.
He is going to be a ghost before Halloween.
Life is changing. You can either ride the wave...
...or get smashed to smithereens on the rocks.
That's easy for you to say, he's my brother.
CHRISTIAN: Graduated with honors from UCLA, interned at Cedars...
...a distinguished residency at the Joseph Still Burn Center in Augusta...
...guest editor for the NJM.
- Credentials speak for you. - That's encouraging?
If I was looking to hire a Nobel Laureate for a surgeon.
So my partner and I have been together for, uh, over 20 years.
We've, uh, done over 6000 surgeries.
I was best man at his wedding and, uh, we have a son together.
So we're not looking for somebody to just come in and play doctor.
It needs to be the right personality fit as well.
Somebody who's willing to emotionally invest in the practice...
...as well as the partnership.
Oh, well, that's definitely not me.
I ' m only in this business for the money and the girls.
Hmm.
- Not married? - Don't believe in it.
- Kids? - Not yet, but under the right circumstances.
- What about your dating life? - Often, but only if they're a nine or a 10.
- Ever had twins? - Sisters, but not twins.
- Ass man or tit? - Why choose?
- New York or Vegas? - New York is Vegas for anyone with taste.
Well, you got good taste, I'll give you that.
So do you, Dr. Troy.
This room, for instance, impeccable design.
This chair, NELO-Bäumen...
...distressed celadon velvet.
And that couch, the color, vintage tweed.
The whole palette of this room is inspired.
I should give you the number of my designer.
You could kiss her ass instead.
I'm sorry, I know I get a little carried away.
My mother was in the business. Uh...
I grew up around this stuff. It's...
You have a patient, female, she's come in for a brow lift.
- What's your approach? - How old?
Early 50s.
I ' d push for an endoscopic brow lift, provided you ' d use a laser.
You get nearly the same results.
The patient tells her friends about her quick recovery...
...and that only means more repeat business.
I don ' t wanna do this.
CHRISTIAN: Would you rather I hired first, then find out you don't like him?
I won't like him no matter how good he is. He's not you.
No, but he's got the best credentials by far.
I think he could be able to break you out of your shell from time to time...
...which you're gonna need when I ' m gone.
- Oh, don ' t say that. - I ' m talking about the wedding.
I mean, I need time off for that first, remember?
Who picked out this table? This is top of the line.
Double-swivel casters, split leg plates, beautiful lines too.
Sean spent weeks looking for the right table.
He had to have the best one.
Well, I'm impressed.
Work with the best, you can never go wrong.
Guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill, then.
All right, well, I guess I'll, um, let you guys get better acquainted.
So I understand you already performed a labial transfer on the patient?
Mm-hm. About three years ago.
Fantastic job.
No wonder she flew all the way out here to have you do it again.
Thank you, doctor.
I just hope one day you can say the same thing to me.
Okay, fire it up.
- So, what do you think? - Beautiful work, doctor.
Okay, let's do some lipo.
- After work, you wanna get a drink? - I ' d like to, but I ' m scouting locations...
- ... for Christian ' s bachelor party. - Well, you mind if I tag along?
It's always best to get a second opinion.
Sure.
So this is Christian's favorite place, huh?
Nice.
What were you thinking?
Ten to 15 girls back in the champagne room for the night?
- That'd be fun. - Yeah, fun.
Yep.
- I say something wrong? - No, this whole thing is wrong.
Christian used to pull me in here after a difficult surgery to blow off steam.
Of course, he got the dances for free.
It just doesn't make sense anymore.
- It is a bachelor party. - It's not just a bachelor party.
I mean, he's not just getting married, he's leaving.
After 20 years working together...
...I suddenly don ' t have a partner anymore.
You ' re a good friend, Sean.
Yeah, I know I can never replace Christian.
But if you give me a chance, I know we could make a good team.
It's nothing personal.
Well, now that you mention it...
...I really can ' t see celebrating in this dump anyway, it's grotesque.
- The girls aren ' t so bad. - The girls are top-shelf...
...but if you look at the upholstery on that couch, it's frayed...
...there's food stains on the carpet and I don ' t wanna know...
...what you ' d see if you ' d shined a black light on the chairs in the VIP room.
Are you hungry? Because I know a great place to grab a bite.
It's not too far from here, and it's really tastefully decorated.
Hmm.
Sure.
MARIELLA: You're such a lucky duckling, mi hija...
...to have a handsome prince with the power to turn you into a swan.
- Oh, ow, that hurts. - They' re gonna be a little tender, okay?
No fondling for a week.
Don ' t worry, you'll learn to love it doggy style.
Christian, my mother is standing right next to you.
Ah. That's music to my ears.
Nothing between a man and a woman is ever wrong.
There we go. Perfect teardrops.
They' re more like water balloons.
Why didn't you do what we decided?
Look, I took them down so you don't need back surgery as you get older, period.
As far as getting rid of two beautiful assets...
...I made an executive decision, one that we could both benefit from.
Heh. You ' re not even married yet and you're lying to her.
That was not a decision for you to make.
- My daughter is in charge of her own body. - Mom.
- You are in charge of your- - Ma. Please. No.
Please.
Christian.
I am in charge of my own body.
Then why don't you order your body to put this on...
...instead of that moth-ridden relic?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. This is gorgeous.
Sorry, Ma. Oh, my God, it's gorgeous.
It's not you.
Do you want the world to know how rich and glamorous you are?
Or do you want to take your sacred vows in the same blessed tradition...
...passed on from mother to daughter for generations?
Ma, where are you going?
I ' m gonna phone your grandmother and tell her the news.
She's gonna kill me. And when she does, enjoy your wedding.
- Maybe Wilber's wife could- - One more word and I'll change my will.
Here's the key. And Dr. Troy said make yourself at home.
- Thanks. - Mm-hm.
I look forward to it.
I just wish you wouldn't hand over your office to him so soon.
I'm not gonna be using it now.
And he really loves my decor.
Jeez.
- That was awkward, huh? - Well, what the hell were you doing?
- Were you masturbating? - Probably looked that way.
Looked like you were screwing an invisible woman.
- There was no invisible woman. - You were screwing the couch?
Gentlemen, I am completely embarrassed.
So let me apologize and explain.
- I struggle with objectum sexuality. - What's that, "couch banging" in English?
O.S. is not a widely known condition. It's barely understood.
But it is real.
Those of us who identity ourselves with O.S...
...are fully capable of forming a strong relationship with physical objects.
It stems from a belief in animism.
Wait a second.
So you believe that physical objects can be sentient beings?
Like us, they have feelings.
- And can communicate, even express love. - So all this crap about relationships...
...you were talking about screwing one of the floor models at Pottery Barn?
I do have normal relationships with women. They're just not as satisfying.
There's a long history of gender assignments with cars, boats, buildings-
The difference is, I've never stuck my dick in a tailpipe.
I tried to fight the urge.
I didn't wanna believe that I could be capable...
...of finding something like a piece of furniture so attractive.
But there's something irresistible to me about, uh...
...a really well-built piece.
My whole life, I ' ve been attracted to perfection in all of its forms.
As plastic surgeons, you can relate, can't you?
Get out.
Get out!
Next time, I'll do a background check.
Yeah.
You're right on schedule. What do you think?
You're very good, Dr. McNamara.
But I think it's going to take some time to get used to these.
Oh. They'll lose some volume once the swelling goes down.
No, I like the size.
It's just that I'm a shy person.
I'm not used to being so out there.
There's my baby.
Did I tell you, Tito?
Reincarnated as Gina Lollobrigida.
And she's not even all healed up yet.
Hello, Allegra.
What is he doing here, Manny?
Oh, he insisted on being here for your recovery.
What a guy, right?
Sorry. Dr. McNamara, this is Tito.
Our butcher from Coconut Grove.
My best brisket. I know how you love it.
You should have seen the look on the x-ray guy's face at the airport.
I ' m sorry, Mr. Caldarello, but, ahem, we only allow family in recovery.
But Tito is family.
At least he will be, after I die and he marries Allegra.
Him?
You're not gonna find a better candidate.
That butcher shop is a cash cow.
He's a widower, and his little girl, Connie, is pregnant with twins.
I know how much you want grandbabies.
You can't hand-pick your wife's second husband.
We never agreed to this, Manny.
I'm just helping move the process along.
I know my wife better than she knows herself.
She's always telling me how she and Tito carry on.
I like his ground chuck, Manny.
Not to be too forward, Allegra.
I have been giving you an extra quarter pound of it for years now.
I'm very flattered, Tito.
But I would have preferred if Manny had waited...
...until my transformation was complete...
...before inviting a suitor in to see me.
I ' m dying, babe.
Every minute counts.
If I ' m gonna have some say in all of this, I don ' t have any time to waste.
How do you like her new breasts, Tito? Grade-A prime, no?
Allegra needs her rest.
And take your meat with you, please.
Wonderful seeing you, Allegra.
I am at the Ramada Inn in Burbank, if you want to call.
LINDA: To the beautiful bride.
LIZ: Aw, thank you. Finally, finally.
Oh, my God.
WNBA season tickets.
- I love you, doll. - Thank you. Love you.
And tell Christian, those are Jack Nicholson's Lakers seats, okay?
Maybe, um, that'll convince him to go?
Men don't want to see tall women with muscles slamming each other.
I know, Ma.
That's what you used to tell me when I used to play for St. Mary's.
And did you have many dates in high school?
With men?
Are there any normal men in high school?
This one's from me. It's heavy, be careful.
LIZ: Wow, I can't even imagine what's in this one, huh?
DEIDRE: Open it up, you can read the card later.
It's a set of All-Clad. Ha-ha-ha.
Now you're gonna have to learn how to cook.
Like a straight woman. Yeah, no more takeout.
And it has a lifetime guarantee.
- Wow. DEIDRE: Ha-ha-ha.
- Thank you. - You ' re welcome, sweetie.
Boy, that's great, huh?
DEIDRE: Yeah. - A lifetime.
DEIDRE: Oh.
Oh, sweetie. I didn't mean anything.
None of us can cook. Right?
It's not that.
You're all just such great friends.
Christian has cancer.
And we won't have a lot of time together.
Maybe six months to a year.
DEIDRE: Um, sweetie.
I just love him so much.
Now it all makes sense.
A man, a doctor with his looks.
What? Marrying me?
That's not what I said.
Okay, okay. Maybe we should all go.
No, no, no. Please, please. No, don ' t.
My whole life, you made me feel like something was wrong with me.
I wasn't as pretty as Christy Sherman or as feminine as Kelly Peterson.
I laugh too loud. I was awkward. I was clumsy.
You called me your ugly duckling.
- And I believed you. - That was a joke, and you know it.
Did I? You could never see me for what I was.
It was always what I wasn't.
It didn't matter that I was funny, that I was smart.
The truth be told, if you could have replaced me with Christy or Kelly...
- ... you would have done it, wouldn ' t you? - You weren ' t exactly an easy child, Lizzy.
How could I be?
I was fighting for my life. And the only one on my side was me.
If people made fun of me, what did you do?
You told me to lose weight, straighten my hair.
Is it any wonder that I spend my life surgically altering people...
...who hate themselves because they do not measure up?
If it wasn ' t for the people in this room...
...I would have no self-image at all.
These women love me.
And a few of them have even shared my bed.
Oh, yes, that's right, Mommy.
Oh, I'm so sorry if that isn't what you consider normal.
But maybe that's because you're not capable of loving anyone.
Not even your own daughter.
I don't want you at my wedding.
I don ' t even want you in this room anymore.
Hey, uh, make sure you get under the cushions too.
I think he consummated the affair.
I'd like to pay for the cleaning, if I may.
What the hell are you doing in my office?
I realized I left behind my things...
- ... and I also wanted to return this to you. - You could have mailed them in.
I didn ' t wanna put you out any more than I already have.
You wanted to help? You could have found me another replacement.
- I'm getting married in two weeks. - Well, congratulations.
I feel really terrible the way things worked out.
Just make sure you don't bang the receptionist's desk on the way out.
Excuse me, you're not using any toxic chemicals on her, are you?
If I had known you were gonna look like Sophia Loren...
- ... I ' d have taken better care of myself. - I ' m not talking to you.
Look, I know what I did was wrong.
I ' m sorry.
Tito was a stupid idea.
- Can you ever forgive me, doll? - I can never buy meat there again.
I ' m not just a possession you can give away to the town butcher.
- I ' m worth more than that, Manny. - I know that, baby.
- You deserve the best. - Yes, she does.
I ' m glad you finally see that.
And the best is what you ' re gonna get from now on.
Anthony?
Look what I got for you.
You're beautiful.
These are for you.
So, what do you think?
Well, Manny...
...if it makes you happy.
She'll forget me within a month after I ' m dead.
People aren ' t like furniture, they're not that easy to replace.
CHRISTIAN: Remember what I taught you? Think we can do it?
Yeah, are you sure? Are you sure?
Okay, I ' m gonna go over there. You come over to me and show me what you got.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay, ready? Come on over.
I think we have an expert. I think you ' re pretty good.
Now, you know, the ring bearer is a very important job.
WILBER: Okay. - You think you can handle it?
- Hell yeah. - Hell yeah?
All right. Ha, ha.
So listen to me, then. Why don't you practice a little bit more?
- Okay. - Okay. Give us a kiss.
Thank you. Go.
Your mom really should see him walking down the aisle.
Oh, please don't start with me, Christian.
I'm having a hard enough time as it is.
I never thought I'd get married, but if I did...
...I was pretty sure that my mom would be there if she was alive.
CHRISTIAN: Has she called you at least? LIZ: Yeah.
But my decision is final. She's not invited.
You know, you're gonna need her when I'm gone.
Maybe.
But I don ' t need her now. She's been replaced.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes, you guys are my family.
Oh, hey there, buddy. You wanna get in the middle of this?
- You do? All right. - Oh.
- A little Wilber sandwich, huh? - Here we go.
Little hug, come on. Squeeze it in.
I love you so much.
CHRISTIAN It's a momentous night.
Getting her fiancé high for the first time ever.
See Sean count. See Sean eat government cheese.
I don't feel anything.
Keep smoking and keep counting.
JULIA: Christian, if you had put money...
...you scored this weed with toward the bill, we'd have made the payment.
Well, call me irresponsible.
J ULIA Why do you have to hog the camera, guys?
Or we'll be in the dark.
- I want a family. - What's this?
I want to go back to school and be a pediatrician once you guys-
Feels like I ' m losing everyone.
CHRISTIAN: Baby, baby. JULIA: Oh, no, wait, I was out of focus.
Um, say it again. On the record.
This is our one and only videotape.
Let's tell our audience what all this hard work and eating ramen noodles 24/7-
I promise that you won ' t lose me.
J ULIA What do you want out of your life?
- I know that I can ' t replace him. CHRISTIAN What I want?
And that's the best I have to offer.
CHRISTIAN A girl like Julia. JULIA Oh, I know.
- It's a lot. JULIA My baby.
And a kick-ass practice with Sean...
...where we make women feel better about themselves.
My specialty.
JULIA Well, we certainly would need that.
I want you. CHRISTIAN A w.
I wanna make people's lives better.
I wanna make a difference.